A wrote back. I have no words. All I can do is post his. Bear in mind while reading this that we emailed for 9 days and exchanged headshots. We never spoke on the phone, and we’ve never met.
Dearest One Date Wonder,
I am a bit sad and disappointed that you gave up on me so quickly. I didn’t mean to turn you off and all I wanted was a chance to see if we could be a match. I don’t think you gave me much of a chance, and that hurts. You seem really nice, are very attractive, and I have enjoyed our chats thus far.
I am hoping you will reconsider and we can start over fresh and get to know each other. I wouldn’t be asking for a second chance if I didn’t think we had a chance of clicking and getting along. Also, I don’t see anything truly wrong with writing back so quickly after I wrote you the first time (which apparently upset you). But, I apologize once again for that.
I want you to get to know me and talk with me and not hold this against me. Please, I would really appreciate your forgiveness and a chance to see if if there is chemistry between us. I don’t want to give up on you, and I hope you won’t give up on me…
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If you’ve been a reader of my articles here on Loveawake as well as on my site, you will notice a guiding theme when it comes to my beliefs on love, relationships, and marriage. That guiding theme is my Christian beliefs. These beliefs shape my views, come out in my writing, and I believe they contribute to the success of my marriage.
I understand not everybody feels the same when it comes to Christians in general, or Christian beliefs guiding a marriage. That’s fine by me, and I respect how others live their lives and function in their relationships. But as for me and my marriage…we will put in practice what we believe the Bible says about marriage.
For 12 years that practice has formed our marriage. It has kept us together, strong, and thriving. Unfortunately this is not true for all according to divorce rate statistics. The statistics appear to show Christian marriages end in divorce just as much as non-Christian marriages. What’s the deal with that?
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This Your Tango article, “A Christian Look at Marriage: It’s Not What You Think,” sheds a little light on the reason this happens. It reveals the couples that actually practice their faith have a lower divorce rate then the general population. So, Christian marriages with 50% divorce rates don’t actually function according to the principles they believe set them apart. So, the divorce studies seem to be wrong.
But what exactly does a real Christian marriage look like? Below is what a marriage looks like when the principles of Christianity are put into practice.
Christian married couples attend church weekly
Weekly church attendance is a staple in our family. The practice of worship, praying, and learning more about the principles which guide our lives helps to bring us together.
Christian spouses pray individually and as a couple
Our relationship can go as our prayer life goes. Coming together for a time of prayer brings another level of intimate connection. We also do our best to pray when we aren't too happy with each other. It is hard to kneel down in prayer, and finish still angry at the other person.
Christian married couples enjoy family meals together
Breaking bread is a big part of the Christian walk. Many families today, Christian and non-christian, do not make a habit of sitting down and having regular meals together. The dinner table at our house is where everything goes down: school, work, conversation, financial meetings, problem solving, and mostly eating. We know at some point each day we are going to meet around our dinner table to enjoy a nice meal, and some conversation.
Christian married couples hate divorce and live like it
The Bible says God hates divorce, so we take that very seriously in our relationship -- we take the same approach. We are not judging anyone who has experienced divorce, but we have agreed to not allow it in any way into our marriage. This stance of "hating divorce" was one of the things that shaped our marriage early on, and still does today. Seeing other marriages experience the pain of divorce is something that has hurt us deeply over the years, especially when it has happened to those close to us.
Christian marriages put spouses before kids
Some parents can't fathom the idea of putting anybody before their kids. Your kids came from you -- you created them, so it is difficult to do this. But practicing making your spouse the top priority won't leave your kids neglected. It will actually be better for your kids.
Christian married couples show respect at all times
I have seen many married couples that have no respect for one another; they blatantly disrespect each other in public, so I can only imagine what happens in private. This will tear a marriage down faster than anything. Treating your spouse with respect at home, in public, and all the time has to happen in order for your marriage to make it. The goal of both spouses should be to make the other look good and feel good at all times.
Christian married couples make the marriage a priority
Marriage retreats, couples small groups, marriage counseling, and marriage classes are things we've participated in regularly since we've been married. What we've learned about marriage, about one another, and others who have experience similar things in marriage has caused our marriage to grow and last.
Christian marriages are confident in marital decisions and choices
Some of you reading this article may think everything I have said is crazy, off-base, or just doesn't work. Some of our views and beliefs about marriage and life in general seem radical to some, even close family members. We understand not everyone will understand, nor agree with the way we function in our marriage. But our concern is not what other people or other couples think, it's about one another, and our kids. We make choices we believe will serve our marriage and family best, and don't waver. We expect the good to come from it.
Christian couples function as one, not two individuals
Yes, we are two individuals, but in our marriage, we function as one. When I hurt, she hurts. When she looks and does well, I look and do well. Losing their individuality is what scares some people away from marriage -- they think they'll lose who they are. The Bible says the two shall become one, so rejecting this principle is one way to prevent your marriage from becoming all God intended it to be.
Christian marriages practice regular fellowship with other couples
We currently meet once per month with two different small groups. Our marriage feeds off these interactions, and we grow closer through this fellowship. Several years ago, we learned the power of this as we regularly met with a group of married couples. Several of the couples who didn't continue to attend fellowship didn't make it in their marriages. We believe staying with the group brought a level of accountability to each couple. When that was no longer there, the couples made decisions they may not have made with other husbands and wives there to help them.
Christian couples view marriage as a ministry
Early in our marriage, it was just about making it -- trying to not become a statistic while trying to figure out how this marriage thing works. Since then, we've gone through several stages of marriage. I call them The 7 Rings of Marriageâ„¢. The seventh ring is called the MentoRING, and this is where your marriage becomes bigger than you and your spouse. We didn't realize marriage could be a ministry early on, but now it is a large part of our marriage as we hope to encourage, inspire, teach, and help other marriages. When you realize your marriage impacts others, it changes the game.
Christian marriaged couples make mistakes, but forgive
Every single day, I make mistakes in our marriage. Every single day, well maybe every other day, my wife makes mistakes in our marriage. But as Christians, we understand forgiveness and unconditional love, as Jesus Christ is our model. Practicing this may be the most important difference in any marriage that makes it, versus those that don't.
Christian marriages are confident in marital decisions and choices
Some of you reading this article may think everything I have said is crazy, off-base, or just doesn't work. Some of our views and beliefs about marriage and life in general seem radical to some, even close family members. We understand not everyone will understand, nor agree with the way we function in our marriage. But our concern is not what other people or other couples think, it's about one another, and our kids. We make choices we believe will serve our marriage and family best, and don't waver. We expect the good to come from it
Christian couples function as one, not two individuals
Yes, we are two individuals, but in our marriage, we function as one. When I hurt, she hurts. When she looks and does well, I look and do well. Losing their individuality is what scares some people away from marriage -- they think they'll lose who they are. The Bible says the two shall become one, so rejecting this principle is one way to prevent your marriage from becoming all God intended it to be.
I feel like I have to complete a thought. A little while ago I posted about happily ever afters and what they can and should mean to all of us single folk. It was a post full of thoughts for a personal revolution. But, much like anything in life, there are two sides to every story. So today I’d like to post about the flip side of redesigning my own personal happily ever after.
It wasn’t until after my second divorce that my vision of the future changed. Up until then I still assumed there was someone out there for me and I too could ride off into the sunset with him. But when things fall apart so hard, you need something to hold onto. And so I began to think of ways to make a satisfying ending to my story alone.
That’s a positive thing. Taking control of one’s own destiny and happiness. Spitting on fate and making a life you can believe in. Taking control. It’s empowering and good and I stand behind it.
But it’s also tiring. Because for each new dream I have to make and build, an old one is buried underneath it. Each time I make the effort to revise my vision of the future, I first have to dig a grave for the old thoughts of what might be.
Many of you will find this hard to imagine, but I had those dreams of a future with someone else again. I spent my nights imagining the life we’d have and the things we’d do. I tried to picture if we’d have children or not, and if we did what they’d look like and what we’d name them. I mulled over tentative vacation plans. I even considered what kind of engagement ring I’d like if I were to get one again.
And now I have to dig a grave for that life that was becoming so clear in my mind (even though I couldn’t decide between princess cut or marquise). I have to find a way to let it go.
I’m not even angry about that crazy Facebook bitch anymore. I do forgive what happened. I don’t hate LC and I’m not angry at him. But everything that happened just seems to be too much. LC blames himself for letting that happen. He says he’s better than that and I believe him about that. But I also know it wasn’t his fault. I know I put too much stress on our relationship for it to ever be anything but broken. By straddling the line for so long, I am the one who cracked this dream. What he did wasn’t good by any means. And yes, he should have told me what was happening. But that never would have come to be if I had done the right thing in the first place. What happened and this ending are ultimately my fault. And I will have to find a way to live with that.
LC says he can’t imagine me living a life alone. He has lots to say about how intelligent and beautiful and successful I am. How people like me don’t have solitary endings. Even now he says I deserve better than this. That I deserve to be happy.
And maybe I do deserve to be happy. Maybe someday I will be. But I’m afraid that journey is going to have to be on my own. So I will box up the pretty dreams of blonde babies and European vacations. I will add the sounds of the river and pretty diamond rings. I will lay in fun getaways and sun lit strolls by the lake. I will wrap it in the security of having someone hold me every night and tell me how loved I am. It will all be in good company. And I will seal it with the knowledge that I did this thing and made it what it now is. Then I will close that box and bury it deep, hopefully where I can’t pry it open again. Hopefully under the foundations of something new someday.
One of my favorite lines from a song is in Semisonic’s Closing Time: “Every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end.” And this is what we don’t often tell people about making new dreams. In order to make way for something new, you have to let go of something else. And sometimes, the beginning you let go of takes a piece of you with it.
Before I shut that dream box, I will add a piece of my heart to it. Another piece that no one else may ever have. It belongs to the river, and the sun, and the vacations, and the babies, and the rings, and that love. It belongs to LC.
